The Barren Woman

When you hear the word "barren" what comes to mind? The dictionary defines barren as unfruitful,  unproductive, incapable of producing offspring, and sterile. The Bible speaks of many barren women such as Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah, Rachel, and Elizabeth. These woman prayed and petitioned God for a child and He opened up their womb and blessed them. When I think of the word "barren," it makes me think of an old woman with long gray hair with a old broken uterus. I don't picture a 29 almost 30 year old blonde haired woman when I hear that word, but that in fact is what I am. I am a barren woman.

I lay here sleepless at 1230 am thinking about what might have been if my only pregnancy would have stuck, that child would be 14 months old now probably running around and into everything and instead of being sleepless because I had coffee at 9pm, I would be sleepless because he or she would be needing me to wrap my arms around them after waking up at 11pm and being fussy. I often wonder and ask God why did He allow me to get pregnant once and then take it away from me? As if it was a cruel joke of some kind... But it wasn't a cruel joke, it was all apart of His plan. I may never understand or know why I still lay here childless almost 2 years later but God knows why. He knows every hair on my head and every thought I think. He knows why our little sweet pea never got to meet us and why this infertility journey has been so long and so costly. If you think about it, we have 5 babies waiting to meet us one day when we walk through those pearly gates. One of which was our sweet pea and the other 4 were those beautiful little embryos that were placed inside me but never made it. I know my dad is up there right now enjoying those 5 babies and getting to be a grandfather up in Heaven. I may be "barren" right now on this earth, but I'm a mom alright, a mom to 5 heavenly babies.

 All I have right now on this earth is a promise, a promise from God that one day I will get to be an earthly mom and I will continue to pray and petition God for that promise to come forth and for my womb to open up and be barren no more! So if you read this tonight because you are sleepless due to a fussy or sick child, hold them just a little tighter tonight because you are holding treasure, treasure that God entrusted you with, and while I understand you may be tired because he or she causes you many sleepless nights, I am tired, too. Tired of having to continue to wait and be patient for my turn.... Hopelessly praying that my turn is sooner rather than later. So for now I remain a barren woman, but my faith will not be shaken, for one day Gods timing will come and He will bless me. All the money, the years, the tears, the anger, the grief, and the anxiety will all be worth it when those eyes look into mine and my heart will smile because I will no longer be the barren woman.